Avoiding dik pix.

attempts at preserving the flawless mind

I got two messages on my phone this morning. I often have a mini feeling of dread before I turn off the airplane mode of my phone. I try to avoid seeing the little red dot near the bright green little message icon. I purposefully blur my eyes, attempting not to see it.

I know that if I start up looking at my messages, I am subject to being at the whim of whoever decided to write me during the night or early in the morning. Of course with all the time differences, people are already fully up and about their day long before I’ve finished my morning workout. Even with my phone eternally on focus mode, I still can see how many messages I have.

I go to the bathroom, click on the YouTube workout video of choice while attempting to get past the screen of little red dots showing up next to my messenger, WhatsApp and messages.

If I can get to the workout then I can at least have my peace. My phone is only ready to be taken in with all it’s unexpected news, once my drink is made, my workout is done and my nervous system is prepped for the day.

I am ready. I sit down, pull up my phone. The first one is a sweet hello message from my partner and the second text message, not from my partner, is a picture of hard dick held in what I would assume to be the senders hand.

It is a good looking dick, it’s definitely erect, no significant blemishes or crooked features. The hand is fairly neutral, but the dick is so prominent, the hand seems to disappear into the background.

It’s a familiar number, and I see we have already exchanged messages.

The first one, from sender “are you available today?”

I assumed it was for a massage.

I had responded, “not today, but happy to look at my schedule.”

His message, I’ll assume he’s male based on the bluntness, females tend to be a bit more wordy. I already know this type of client, the ones who ask the day of are generally not people I want to see, at least with the curt question, I’d expect a “hey, I know this is last minute, but just in case…”

Next message. “Do you do massages with a happy ending? LOL.”

Ha. I remain non judgmental. At least he’s straight forward. I mean he could have come (not in that sense) and then asked for it once he was here which would have been more bothersome. He has the right to ask, there are people who give happy ending massages, I just don’t. I know you can’t advertise it, so he might as well ask.

“Nope. Sorry.” I respond.

He responds later, “ok just a massage is fine. Are you going to schedule me in?”

I don’t like the tone of this message. I do massages, for emotional and somatic healing, it’s clearly not a client for me.

I don’t respond. It’s a week later and today I get the shiny image of his dick. Well, who knows if it’s his dick. I wonder if he was trying to impress me by the beauty of it. Like, hey look how gorgeous my dick is, doesn’t it make you want to jump all over it?

Right, isn’t that just the common belief?

I’ve had to deal with this sort of thing in the past. I don’t consider myself a massage therapist anymore. I’m a somatic therapist, if touch is part of the healing process, I may do some bodywork, but I mostly work online or with minimal touch in person.

Back when I was a 5 star mobile bodyworker in the SF bay area, with an over booked schedule, I’d occasionally get some odd clients.

Like when I showed up at this guy’s house with my massage table, he greeted me sitting on his porch with very wide short shorts, that happened to let his package spill out the side. It was a bit awkward, but I assumed unintentional.

The only place for the massage space that was private was in his cramped little bedroom.

He hands me the money before the massage. I charge $200, he hands me $400. I know you’ll do a great massage he says. I tell him that’s too much. I hand him back the extra $200.

He gets an erection while I’m massaging his belly. I gently comment on it, “I noticed you got an erection” just so you know, this isn’t that kind of massage.” He says he’s sorry. I immediately move down to his feet to try to move the energy down, inside I’m trying to remain a healer, but being a vulnerable female with a naked man closed in his room does add a slight nervous system jolt.

I get an intuitive flash about him when I touch his feet, something about the military and a deep sense of loneliness. I ask about it. He admits having been in the military. I start to look around his room and notice guns hanging everywhere.

My body stiffens. I decide I can’t be scared, I will be in my power. I put my hand on his heart. I feel a dark empty void there. I tell him.

He asks if he’s too fucked up to work with me. I say no. We finish the massage.

He didn’t ask for any special favors. I leave safe and sound, he gives me the extra money anyway. He says to reach out if I still want to work with him. I don’t.

I used to be terrified of men getting an erection during massages. At first I thought they were fantasizing about me and I’d start getting rougher, pushing into those sore spots, bringing in my ultra yang energy to fight away any idea that I was a vulnerable woman.

Later, I learned that some men just get an erection when they’re relaxed or the blood flows through their body. Sometimes the only relationship a man has to touch is sexual. Sometimes it can actually just be arousal. It doesn’t mean that he has to act on it. Another sex therapist told me that it’s life force moving through them as we liberate some of the energy in the body through massage.

The male erection used to freak me out in these cases. I wasn’t interested and so I had to protect myself.

A massage therapist friend told me, you just have to strap on your energetic penis Carly.

What does that mean?

You are having to create protection from energetic penetration. If you strap on your own energetic penis, you are not energetically penetrable.

It is not the need to fight off their desire, it is making it clear that you are not open to be penetrated by their desire.

So I strapped on my energetic penis next time and it worked. I didn’t have to start massaging them like a sumo wrestler, I could remain in my femininity, in my healing capacities, knowing that I was not penetrable energetically.

It was an easy safe guard that didn’t require me to be stronger or harder or tougher than them. I am impenetrable. Stop. That’s it. No go.

And if they do get an erection, I acknowledge it. “I see you have an erection, that’s fine, there is no shame, but just so you know, I will not be touching you there or promoting any form of sensual or sexual massage, but you’re allowed to have your experience. “

Boundaries. Boom.

And suddenly the fear allowed me to step more into the healer in me. Being protected, keeping up my guard also blocked me from being able to feel with my intuition and my heart. Once the shame was taken off the table, the ambiguity of whether I’m available for more was gone, we could work on authentic healer-client relations. These men could feel safe to be vulnerable, to open up and share without the shame of desire. The clear boundaries gave them support to come closer with their hearts, not their dicks, and we could do some incredibly deep healing work.

Now, when I see the dick photo pop on my phone. I don’t have the impulse to go and try to heal the dude. I don’t know him and it’s not my job. But it does make me laugh.

I could think of him as disgusting, gross, perverted, but it’s just out of line and I’m not available for it. Simple as that, reported to spam and deleted.

The day he wants to come for healing work, I might be open to it.

Hence, the reason why I safeguard my mind and my nervous system before letting myself be permeated by my phone.

I do my exercise, my shower, sit down, ground and only then, once I’m NOT taken off guard by unprepared energetic boundaries, I am ready.